Each and everyone of us comes from a lineage. Our families are the first communities that we are a part of before we go into the world and form larger communities and societies. Being social beings, humans were not designed to be alone for long periods of time but things are beginning to change. The extended family system as I know it is gradually going into extinction.
My parents come from polygamous families and the dynamics are in no way the same as that of a monogamous family. So, I have 2nd and 3rd cousins that I don’t even know about. Recently, I paid my dad a visit and found him working on a family tree. I scanned through the names and I couldn’t match a face to about one third of them. I come from a large family and while growing up, my dad tried his possible best to get me and my siblings acquainted with them but things changed along the line.
When talking about families, I like to take into consideration the fact that different personalities exist within them and make up a family unit. That aside, things have undoubtedly changed. My dad talks about his family with so much love because while growing up, he had uncles and aunties who played the role of his parents at different intervals and this is something he replicated as an adult.
Generally speaking, our society today is a reflection of our family life. Next door neighbors aren’t on good terms because there’s a lack of trust. We mind our businesses so much that we’re no longer our brother’s keepers. But who can be blamed? When you see a little child doing something wrong, you don’t know whether to scold him/her because you don’t know how the parents might react. There’s so much distrust, silent competition, fear of witchcraft and diabolic practices that we don’t want anyone else correcting our children or wards.
From observations over time, we mostly gather as a family when there’s a death. The deceased in question may in most cases be someone who we never had conversations with but because of tradition or out of respect for our parents, we show up. But why then do we care so much about impressing our extended family members like we’re putting up a show for strangers?
It is true that family are not only those related to us by blood but people who have proven their loyalty to us over time. If this is the case, why is there a struggle to impress these same people that we claim not to care about?
There has been a steady decline in family relations due to numerous factors especially in these climes. A parent passes on and his/her family comes to terrorize the other spouse and children, taking over properties and material possessions. It may also be attributed to new found wealth, sibling rivalry or simply the fact that there’s no love in the first place.
Future Fears
Are we breeding a self centered generation after us? What legacies are we leaving behind as regards family life and communal living? Are our lifestyle changes affecting the way we relate with our extended families and neighbors? Have our places of religious gathering (churches and mosques) replaced the place of the family in our society?
I’ve seen cases where 2nd cousins meet each other, fall in love only to later realize that they are related by blood and may have committed incest which would require making sacrifices to their ancestors. Personally speaking, I have first cousins whom I have never met and it gets me worried sometimes. What if my unborn children get to meet their children sometime in the future and things just happen? Will I have to buy a goat to make sacrifices too? Or are we putting too much emphasis on these family issues? Isn’t it that deep? I really want to hear your stories/experiences. The comment section is open and waiting for you.
PS; This post was supposed to go up earlier today but I struggled with it because I didn’t want to make it seem like I was calling out my family members or shaking tables because that’s far from it. If I want to shake tables, I will do it wholeheartedly. The issues addressed in this post are not peculiar to only my family as I’ve had conversations with friends and some themes are similar and happen to stand out as a common factor in this regard.
Hope you’re having a good week so far? Let’s keep pushing!
As for me, I don’t blame us if extended families go extinct because even those you have rapour with are consciously or unconsciously envious of you and your siblings and are silently in a competition with you.
The truth is there will always be that “I need to show them that we are better off” mindset in any extended family so why should we nau have relationships with them.
I am personally a fan of me and my siblings as extended family because those other guys has shown me pepper in this small life of my existence on planet earth.
Las las make everybody marry outside their state of origin to save us from practicing incest as the case may be, 😂.
And if na to marry ourselves without knowing e no bad, e happen for old testament 🤣🤣.
Biko all I am saying is there is no point in knowing all of my extended families when they don’t truly wish me well, you know what they say about bad energy 😋😎
The envy part is what surprises me the most sha. Bad energy stay far away oo 😂
The two main reasons I attribute to the near extinction of the extended family are; 1) hardship, 2) poverty.
Life in Africa is generally designed to be hard and this has found its way into the way we raise our families. The new generation is trying to depart from the difficult life which our parents lived . Oppression by older uncle’s and aunties, disregard for the younger ones, enforced obedience, multiple beatings you experienced from older cousins, aunties and uncles all culminate in you not wanting to relate with them when you grow up. This hurt is passed on to your children and the cycle continues. I cannot completely rule out the poverty and overdepence matter, we have all experienced it in one way or another while growing up.
Wow! Solid points here. There’s so much pain and hurt lurking around which eventually gets passed on the next generation. I really appreciate your comment, Tosin. Thank you.
This is so factual, but then all of these happens because of a lack of love. I think and feel that because we do not love ourselves so genuinely that is why there is distrust, hate, and envy. One of the after-effects of colonialism on the African continent in general.
Exactly. That lack of love is the root of all these issues. Thank you so much, Tiracraig.
Hmmm…Family is something i love sooo much and respect. But when it comes to extended family..all i can say is let love lead. Live and lets live honestly because at the end if the day…Family is all you and i need and have.
Really, family is all we have and need. Love is the most important factor when it comes to this. Thanks Ava.
Your concern Is very thoughtful. I suggest that young people should task their parents to reveal more of their lineages.
Oh yes, that’s also another way to go. Makes sense. Thanks a lot!😊